When you have a history of eating disorders, there is a fine line between a diet and a relapse. This is something that I am currently battling. As someone who is involved in fitness and is even a part of the fitness industry, I understand the impact that diet can make. For the most part, my relationship with food has drastically changed since my eating disorders were at their height. I have been able to understand that food is fuel for my body, and not an evil substance that will cause my hips to widen and my stomach to bloat. However, I still have a tendency to take on an “all or nothing” type of an approach which means either binge eating or focusing too much on what I am consuming. I am not sure if this is due to my history with bulimia, or if this habit put me at a greater risk to develop bulimia. I am planning on going back to a more balanced approach to my diet with the hope of losing some body fat but not losing a health mindset.
When you have a history of eating disorders, there is a fine line between portion control and starvation. There is a lot of evidence that demonstrates more effective nutrition plans include portion control. However, I can become obsessive about measuring out every single thing that I eat. My mind flips back to that view of food being evil. I worry about overeating to the point that I become obsessed with each morsel of food I put into my body. It also can be dangerous for my diet, because I go back to the “all or nothing” mentality if I even eat an ounce more than I was supposed to. All of a sudden that extra handful of grapes becomes a trip to a fast food joint, which then becomes a struggle to fight of the urge to force myself to throw up. The most helpful professional that I ever found when it came to nutrition advised me that I should not be on any diet that is overly restrictive. I needed to focus on what foods I should be eating, rather than how much I should be eating. I believe that this is still true for me today.
When you have a history of eating disorders, there is a fine line between seeing room for improvement and not seeing your beauty. We all see room for improvement when we look at ourselves in the mirror. Even a professional athlete or body builder will see something that they want to change. There are days that I look at my body in the mirror and recognize changes that I would like to see in a healthy way, and I can look in the mirror and want to see changes in an unhealthy way. The difference is, whether or not I can still see everything that I love about myself. Just like how there will always be something to improve on; there will also always be something that we love about ourselves.
When you have a history of eating disorders, there is a fine line between a healthy diet and an unhealthy diet. I hope that I can find a balance with my nutrition again. I hope that I can manage to continue to focus on what kinds of food I am eating rather than how much I am eating. I hope that I can see myself in the mirror and find more positives about myself than negatives. I hope that I can work on my nutrition without putting my mental health at risk.