Grieving a Friendship

Friendship break-ups suck. We talk all the time about romantic break-ups and getting our hearts broken, but there is little conversation about the pain of losing a friendship. Just like romantic relationships, friendships end for all sorts of reasons. There might be a betrayal, a repeated toxic behaviour, or simply growing apart. I decided to write out some reflections on this topic as I’ve been navigating these losses alongside clients every week.

Like a lot of other losses, the loss of a friendship is often complex. There are usually a lot of different feelings and different parts of ourselves involved. This is the fun part about being humans. We can have many different parts get activated at the same time. But we tend to judge ourselves when certain parts come up. The thing is, it’s normal to have many different reactions to this type of loss. And invalidating ourselves and our reactions is not the answer. Even if it was your choice to end the friendship, you are allowed to have a lot of different responses and tune in to all of your parts that are responding.

For example, you can know that ending a friendship is the best decision for your well-being. You can also have a part of you that misses them, a part of you that tells you that you’re a bad person for not reaching out, a part of you that wants to tell them all the ways they hurt you, to name a few. And the tough part is, you can have all of these parts showing up at the same time.

When we have something upsetting happen like a friendship break-up, it is normal that a lot of different parts get activated. It is normal that we start to feel all sorts of conflicting things. Your system is trying to protect you and keep you safe. You are feeling pain and your system doesn’t want you to. That part of you that tells you to call your ex-friend at 2am after too much wine is trying to help you. But as we know, it doesn’t always know best. What we can do is listen to and validate these parts of ourselves while tuning into our core self and what we know is really best for us. Here are some other ideas that I’ve picked up along the way.

• When you miss them, send love and light in their direction through meditation/the universe/prayer instead of through a DM (my favourite is the loving-kindness meditation lines of “May you be safe. May you be happy. May you be healthy.”

• Sit with the different feelings that come up using something like a RAIN practice (Recognise, Accept/Allow, Investigate, Nurture)

• Honour you parts but offer a different solution (ex. a part of you wishes you could send them a birthday present- send something nice to another friend to show you care)

• If you’re remembering good times as well, you can express gratitude that you got to have those experiences while naming that you may not experience that with them again

• If you are debating reaching out to reconcile, sit with that choice and ask yourself where it is coming from (ie a part of you that feels guilty or your core self feeling that it is the right choice for you)

I’m sure there are many other tips that people have for getting through friendship break-ups (ice cream and Netflix?) but there are a few. But I think the real take-away that I am hoping for is that if you are going through a friendship break-up:

Friendship break-ups hurt. They are hard. And it is okay to feel whatever you are feeling about it and honour the parts of you that are coming up the best way you can. So validate yourself as much as you can and if you’re sending love and light to your ex-bestie, I hope you can send some to yourself as well. May you be safe. May you be happy. May you be healthy. <3

EMDR

I am really excited to be offering EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing). I have been acutely aware of the impact of trauma through my own experiences with sexual assault, bullying, and emotional abuse. I would not be the person I am today without my story, but I would also not be the person I am today without healing. These experiences shape who we are. They do not need to define us.

These types of experiences also change our brain. They create blocks in our neuro-pathways that impact our brain’s ability to process the event. This is what can lead to us being triggered by similar stimuli. The idea behind EMDR is to process the events to clear the blocks built up in our brains. Once things are cleared, our brains can function the way they are meant to.

Trauma impacts so many aspects of our lives. How we work, how we live, how we love. All of this can be tied to our past experiences. It can even cause physical health concerns as well. When we don’t listen and heal our trauma, it comes up in other ways. However, healing alone can be scary and even dangerous.

EMDR allows us to work through our trauma through a safe and well researched protocol. Through the coaching of your trained EMDR therapist, you are able to properly process the traumatic material. This is usually done safer and faster than simply retelling your story. 

Trauma can make us feel alone. It can make us feel unworthy. It can make us feel out of control. EMDR may allow you the opportunity to recognize your value and your worth. It can help you feel empowered to live a life not defined by your traumatic experiences. It is a unique method to process material faster and more comfortably. If it is something that you would be interested to learn more about, please connect with me for a free consultation. This type of therapy can be done online and in person. You can also find more information and research through emdria.org or on the website.

Cherish the Moments

Losing Arrow at such a young age has taught me to learn to cherish the simple moments with Bernard. I have accepted the sad truth that one day I won't get to snuggle on the couch with Bernard anymore. He is not going to live forever. I need to appreciate the time we have left without fearing for the end.

I feel like it's so easy to take moments for granted. We mindlessly pet our animals while watching TV. Or we're on our phones while we're taking our dogs for a walk. We go through the motions of our days without truly living in the moment. Our animals are always beside us. It can feel like they will always be there.

I used to feel anxious when I would think about Bernard dying. When he hit the age that Arrow was when he was diagnosed, I felt terrified. When will we lose Bernard? How much time do we have? I had a hard time even loving him as freely as I did Arrow because of the pain of losing Arrow. It took a while to open up to him the same way.

I've shifted the way I think about his finite time on earth. I don't know how much time I have with Bernard. No one will ever be able to tell me that for certain. I remember how intensely I loved Arrow and stayed present with him during his final months when we knew we could lose him any day. Why wasn't I doing the same with Bernard?

Being aware of the length of our animals' lives does not have to be scary. Many of us will lose our pet at some point. So let's love them freely. Let's put down our phones (even though we want to take 100 photos of them) and just be with them. Give them an extra snuggle. Silence your phone on your walks and just be present with them. Cherish every single moment. Knowing that their final day will come sooner than you would like can trigger inspiration instead of anxiety.

Holidays

Christmas morning of 2018 was a very emotional one for me. I’ve always loved the holidays. I honestly just love to celebrate anything. Any day that adds extra joy is a good day in my books. But I found myself really struggling.

I wasn’t expecting to have such a reaction that Christmas morning. My husband had worked nights the night before so I knew I would have the morning to myself. I figured I would put on a Christmas movie (Love Actually- a personal favourite) and relax. I don’t remember how much of the movie I watched, but I suddenly started sobbing. Full body shaking sobs. Uncontrollable snot dripping sobs. I was devastated.

It suddenly dawned on me that I was alone. Arrow was not going to be there with me. I didn’t have my special guy to share the day with me. I didn’t have anyone to curl up with while watching the movie. I was and still am that fur parent who buys stockings for their animals and makes them patiently inspect each present. I hadn’t even looked at his stocking that year. I don’t even think I got poor Hank anything that year. I hadn’t considered any of my choices for that year’s festivities until that moment.

I curled into bed with my sleeping husband and continued to sob. I tried to be quiet but I woke him up with my trembling. He knew my pain as he was hurting too. It felt nice to be validated but it didn’t stop the tears. I just needed to miss him. I needed to sit (or lie) in my pain.

Grieving during the holidays sucks. I wish I could give you some magical insight about how to make it not suck. But it will. And you know what? Maybe that’s okay. Maybe Christmas doesn’t have to be all joy. Maybe you’re like me and you need to sob into your hot chocolate while watching Love Actually. Or maybe you need to build a blanket fort and hide from the world for a day. My only insight is to do what you need to do to get through the holidays with zero self-judgement. And bah humbug to anyone who wants to tell you that you can’t. I’d also like to add that you can enjoy some of the holidays while still missing your loved one. There are no rules for our grief.

Mental Health Benefits of Animals

Our companion animals benefit us in many ways. There has been a lot of research on how having a pet can positively impact health both physically and mentally. In this blog, I will be explaining three major ways in which our animals benefit our mental health.

Companionship

We are not meant to be alone. Our society has brought forth so much isolation (even pre-COVID). Many of us now live lives where we barely speak to our neighbours or co-workers. We live in spaces where we keep to ourselves and avoid building connections. Part of this is because our society praises independence and self-reliance. Also some of us have learned through negative experiences that it can be hard to trust other people.

An animal can provide us that companionship. They are with us whenever we need them. They also provide us with an unconditional love that we cannot find elsewhere. No one could ever love me the same way that my animals do. They make us feel connected to the world around us. They help us to feel comfort on our most lonely days.

Grounding

The art of grounding is meant to connect us back to the moment. We want to centre ourselves in our bodies. Grounding is often used when we are so stressed that we are struggling to function. Our brain cannot function properly when we are in fight/flight/freeze mode. When we experience acute levels of stress, we may need help coming back into our bodies. Trying to reason with ourselves in these moments is often unsuccessful.

Animals are great for helping us ground. The simple act of stroking an animal provides soothing and a sense of calm. Using touch is a grounding technique. The softness of an animal’s fur provides relief. The warmth from their bodies also provides a relaxing sensation. Simply having a cat in your lap as you pet them can help regulate your system. And don’t our animals seem to just know when we need this from them? My animals seem to know when I’m stressed and immediately come to provide me with some grounding. Bernard never leaves my side during a scary movie.

Mindfulness

Animals are mindfulness gurus. They know how to live in the moment better than anyone. I wish I could achieve the level of Zen Bernard has as he lays on the beach with a cool breeze. In that moment, he doesn’t worry about what happened an hour ago. And he definitely isn’t worried about what he needs to get done tomorrow. He simply lives in the moment.

I try to practice mindfulness as often as I can. Bernard helps. I am usually my most present self when I am with him. When we are in the middle of a forest just the two of us. Together we explore the sounds and smells of the forest. We become immersed in the moment we are sharing. I allow myself time and space away from all of my problems that need solutions. Instead we breathe, and run, and play. These are the moments that matter. And I’m so thankful to Bernard for reminding me of this.

Choosing to Love Again

Choosing to bring another animal into your life is a tough decision to make. There is no specific timeline for when to make that decision. For some people, they look to bring in a new one almost immediately. Others decide to wait months or years to love again. And some people decide that they cannot go through the experience of pet loss again and choose to live pet-free. 

There is no right answer. If we choose to wait to love again, we cannot judge others who choose to care for another animal sooner than us. There are many factors for why people bring in another animal so soon. Sometimes the animal had a specific role. Maybe they protected the land. Maybe they were a service animal. Maybe they allowed the pet parent freedom to live their lives more independently. Ultimately, we cannot judge others for their decisions.

When you're considering when to take in another animal, it can be difficult to know when to make that choice. I encourage you to consider why you want to have a new dog, or cat, or bunny, or bird, etc. Really question your motive for caring for another animal. 

If you are choosing to love again in order to alleviate the pain, I urge you to consider spending time healing. When the loss is fresh, it can be challenging to not compare the new animal with the one we lost. Bringing in another pet is not going to take away the pain of your loss. It will not end your grief. And as all animal lovers know, life can be very challenging while our new companion is trying to adjust to their new home. Whether it is a puppy/kitten or a rescue, it takes time for them to adjust. This can be a lot of stress during an already stressful time.

A new animal is also a major commitment. When we started considering another dog, we had just begun to feel ready to have a dog in the house again. We weren't completely sure what it would feel like to have a dog running around. So we decided to try dog sitting. We spent a few months looking after other dogs for overnight stays. It allowed us to get used to having a dog in the house again. It also allowed us to be confident in our decision to love another dog.

Bernard will never replace Arrow. They are two very different souls with very different personalities. I'm sure they would have been the best of friends. Even though we decided to wait, there were moments during the puppy days that I wished we had Arrow back. But now I feel so lucky to have known both of these dogs.

Tattoos

I was recently listening to Emily and Amelia Nagoski on Brene Brown’s podcast Unlocking Us. I was struck by their explanation of stress as a tunnel. They discussed how there is a beginning, middle, and end to stress which is outside of when the stressor ends. They shared the neurological impacts when we get stuck in the middle and keep stress in our bodies. One of the methods they discussed to finish the stress cycle and find some relief was creating something.

Using art is a powerful tool for many of us when we are trapped in our emotions. It can be a light out of the dark even when it represents the difficult time. This got me thinking about my tattoos. I have many tattoos on my body. Some have more meaning than others. But many of them were designed and placed on my body during challenging times. They often signified the end of this tunnel. I considered my tattoos as a way to remember certain times in my life. 

I have two tattoos for both of the dogs I have lost. After my childhood companion Spencer died, I immediately began thinking of tattoo ideas to commemorate him. I thought I was using these ideas as a way to honour him and keep his memory alive. This process of cultivating ideas for a new tattoo and having it placed forever over my heart was a soothing time within my grief. I chose to use the image of his pawprint we received from the vet after his death. The second tattoo is an arrow on my arm for my dog Arrow. It was done while he was still alive but we knew his time was limited. I was definitely inside of anticipatory grief as we knew that he only had a matter of months left. I again found the process to be comforting. Between trading drawn images with the artist and having it placed on my arm, there was some relief from the emotional pain I was experiencing.

I am now thinking of these experiences within the context of moving through a challenging emotion. I think about the experience of creating something and how designing these tattoos gave me solace in these difficult times. Was the process of creating something helping me process these painful emotions? Was the process of planning the tattoo just as relieving as getting a memorial tattoo? As I look back, I believe that it was.

Tattoos might not be for everyone. Maybe your creativity is drawing, creating a memory box, designing a space, writing poetry, creating music, etc. There are so many options to create something to feel the painful feelings while not getting stuck in them. Processing our emotions is hugely important and creativity can help us achieve this.

I definitely look forward to reading Burnout by Emily and Amelia Nagoski to learn more about fully feeling all of our feelings in order to get through them.

Eat the Donut

Nutrition is important to our mental health. When we are under stress, like when we are grieving, proper nutrition can improve our mood and our ability to cope. We need certain vitamins and nutrients to manage our stress levels and what the extra stress does to our bodies. Avoiding things like alcohol and sugar can help our body and mind recover from stress more easily.

But let’s be real. How likely are we to crave a salad on a good day- let alone a terrible one? Most of us know that healthy eating will make us feel better. The thing is, that’s not what our body craves. During tough times, we want all of the stuff our doctors tell us to avoid. For me, that’s usually carbs and almost always donuts. There is just something about a donut that turns my mood around and makes me happy. I’m well aware that it won’t make me feel better in the long run. I’ll probably have a bit of a sugar crash and go back to feeling whatever I was feeling. For that moment though, I get some comfort and a break from thinking about the bad stuff.

Life is about balance. Expecting ourselves to be perfect within our nutrition is unrealistic. It is especially unrealistic during a difficult time in your life. These are some tips that I recommend when people are struggling with their appetite.

Increased appetite- I recommend following the 80/20 rule. If 80% of what you eat provides nutritional value then allow yourself some fun foods. If most of your meals were healthy and provided some good vitamins and nutrients then give yourself a break and eat the donut/cookie/cake/french fries.

Decreased appetite- Try a meal replacement beverage to get something into your system that provides some level of nutrition. Look for a multivitamin that might supplement what you’re missing. And eat foods that you love. Most of us have foods that we love and can always manage to eat (there’s always room for dessert).

Try to avoid allowing diet/nutrition to be another stressor in your life. We’ve got enough to worry about without making ourselves feel bad about what we’re eating. Now I’m off to go get a sprinkled donut with a side of zero regrets.

Finding a Therapist

Finding a therapist can seem overwhelming. There are many options out there with differing educational backgrounds, therapy modalities, and specialties. What’s different in this search as compared to other professional services is the need for a connection. There will always be people that you meet who you can build a meaningful bond with. There will also always be people who are not your cup of tea. That is okay. We’re not meant to get along with every person we meet. Your search for a counsellor can be similar.

As someone who has visited counselling offices as a client, I know what it’s like to meet with someone who you do not jive with. I first sought help when I was sixteen and starting to feel overwhelmed by my mental health. I was brand new to the idea of disclosing my innermost secrets to a stranger and felt uncomfortable with the whole concept. I took a leap of faith by attending this woman’s office, but I was still holding back. I kept dipping my toes before diving in the water to determine if she would be a safe person to share everything that was bothering me. I continued to show up for all eight sessions while never feeling safe enough to divulge what was really going on. There was no connection there and I knew it. Yet I continued to attend every session because I wanted to feel better. I had no idea that I was allowed to see another counsellor.

Speaking as a therapist, I can assure you that you will not offend anyone by requesting to speak with someone else. We’ve all had clients that choose to move on. We’ve also all had clients that are relieved to finally find someone who they can relate to. There are some aspects of this search that are about gut feelings more than checking off boxes. Find someone who helps you feel safe and comfortable.

Grief In Isolation

Current Losses

We are experiencing mass grief right now. Many of us have lost major parts of our lives. We are grieving trips, events, seeing loved ones, etc. Children are grieving school, team sports, time with friends, etc. Many of the emotions that we are feeling during this time in isolation can be tied to grief experiences. Some of us may be fighting the urge to judge other people. “How dare she be grieving over the loss of her family vacation when I’ve lost my job?” While others may be fighting the urge to judge themselves. “How can I even be sad about missing out on our vacation when we still have jobs and our health?” Judgement has no place in healing. Each person’s loss is meaningful and deserves to be acknowledged.

Brené Brown, famous researcher and social worker, talks about comparative suffering and the dangers it brings. Even previous to this pandemic, I would hear clients tell me that they do not allow themselves to feel bad because someone else has it worse. This has become amplified. There is no finite limit on compassion. I can allow myself to feel pain while honouring the pain of others. I can allow myself be feel validated while validating others. It is not about who has the right to feel pain. We all do. And we all deserve compassion.

Previous Losses

As a practitioner who focuses on grief, I am very aware of the research around grief triggering grief. I am also aware of this through my own experiences with loss. Many of us are being triggered and reliving some of the painful experiences we went through during previous losses. The last time I was isolating myself at home and grieving my previous life was after the loss of Arrow. It took some time for me to recognize that I was reliving a time in my life that I would rather not go through again.

If you are wondering if you are experiencing grief or having previous losses triggered, you can look to Dr. Elisabeth Kübler-Ross and her five stages of grief (denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance). These stages of grief have been widely disputed because of their misuse. These stages were never meant to provide a linear idea of what grief looks like. Instead, they were intended to highlight themes that people were experiencing while grieving. Some people have also misused them as a way to think there is a final step and then you get over it. There is no getting over it. There is learning to live with it and accommodate the loss. If you are trying to name what you are feeling and normalize some of your experiences, read more about these stages. Just remember, they are meant to be descriptive and not prescriptive.

Healing Through Loss

So what do we do about this? How do we heal from our grief? Firstly, we need to have our grief witnessed. We need to say “I am hurting” and have someone acknowledge this pain. This is the most important thing we need when grieving. It sounds simple but not everyone is a good witness. A lot of people are uncomfortable talking about death. Or want to tell you how to move on. Find someone who can sit with you and just witness your grief. If you are having trouble finding this, reach out to a professional or peer support. There are support groups running online as well.

There has been a lot of research on continuing bonds. In these studies, people have noticed more ability to accommodate their loss by using methods under the umbrella of continuing bonds. This could be holding onto mementos of the person or animal you lost. I had a client who kept his brother’s favourite chair and every time he sat on it, he felt more connected to his brother. Another method that is currently more challenging is visiting places that were important to the person or animal that is gone. For us, it is a particular log in our neighbourhood forest that Arrow used to climb on. We might not be able to go to these places right now but we might have photos of being there. Or we can close our eyes and remember what it feels like to be there. The sights, the sounds, the smells. All of it. Some people use letter writing. Some people play songs that spark memories. There are many ways of doing this. But most importantly, it is about maintaining that connection after death.

David Kessler is another author/expert on grief. He worked with Elisabeth Kübler-Ross and recently wrote a book about a sixth stage of grief- finding meaning. In this book, he talks about going beyond accommodation. He talks about ways in which we can find meaning in a loved one’s life or even in their death. He blends together ideology from Viktor Frankl’s work on man’s search for meaning and grief research while drawing on his own experiences. Finding meaning in this can be difficult and should not be rushed. We must feel the pain of loss before jumping to this method. It is not enough to put a silver lining on bad news. I am able to find meaning in my loss of Arrow because it has given me a focus for my practice. Without going through that devastating loss, I may not have chosen this focus. I would give it all up to have him back. But I find some comfort in knowing that his life and death have given me purpose.

We are all grieving. We are all experiencing some sort of loss. Be patient with yourself and others. And be mindful of any previous losses that are being triggered by this shared state of loss.

Body Positivity

I’ve seen a lot of messages out in the world about the Body Positivity Movement. As someone who has struggled with eating disorders in the past, I’m here for it. But I’m also someone who is fairly entrenched in the fitness world. It never makes sense to me why these worlds often stay so separate. It’s sometimes to the point that members from each camp are calling each other out. Which makes zero sense to me.

You are allowed to love your body and still have fitness goals. In fact, loving your body is the first step to health and wellness. Why do I eat well and exercise? First and foremost, because I love my body and I choose to take care of it. Even if your goal is to lose some weight, you can love yourself every step of the way. Our scale does not determine our self-worth.

If you’re someone like me and the scale can be a dangerous place, choose other fitness goals. Work on being able to run longer distances, or lift weights you never thought you could lift. Our bodies are so much more than “fat” or “thin”.

If a trainer or “fitness expert” ever pushes you to hate your body to motivate you, leave them. If you are ever told that you need to lose/gain a certain amount of pounds or inches before you can love yourself, don’t listen. You can love your body every step of your fitness journey.

Choose Your Reaction

I recently read that we cannot control our thoughts, but we can control how we react to them. This really resonated with me. I have always talked about how we cannot fight thoughts by saying “don’t think negatively”. Fighting negative thoughts only gives them more power. I like the concept of being able to control how we react to them. There is something about being able to control my reactions that makes me feel more empowered to react in a way that will benefit my situation.

I have been practicing this concept for a while without realizing what I was practicing. I usually take a moment to consider if becoming upset will change the situation. If I allow my stressful thoughts about my negative situation to control my reaction, I spend hours engaged in behaviours that only make me feel worse. I might express my anger when dealing with others. Or isolate myself and dwell on the negative situation. Instead I consider “will this change the situation?” If not, why waste the energy?

I had a hell of a week. First, I lost my engagement ring while running. Then, my furnace was blowing nothing but cold air when we turned it on. Lastly, my car died on me out of nowhere. I had a moment after each instant when I wanted to give in and let my negative thoughts take me on a ride. But I stopped and thought “will this make the situation better?” If I got angry with myself, would my ring magically reappear? If I stressed about how much my furnace would cost to fix, would it magically be repaired? If I sat in my driveway and cancelled my day to focus on my bad luck, would my car magically start running again? No. But I would miss out on all of the wonderful, beautiful moments that I had along the way.

I’m not saying don’t feel what you need to feel. I’m saying don’t let you thoughts control your reactions. Be mindful of your responses and what responses put you in a better position.

**I am also aware that my social location allows me to not lose my housing or other basic needs when financial issues present themselves. These are simply examples from my life.**

Gratitude

For me, the best part of Thanksgiving is practicing gratitude. It is deeply meaningful to take a moment and reflect on what we are grateful for. Many of us even express this gratitude amongst family members around the table. I wonder what would happen if I made this a regular practice. What if every week, I set aside a time to practice gratitude.

This goes beyond being positive. Making a conscious effort to take stock of what we are thankful for forces us to consider another narrative for our lives. I imagine that sometimes this practice will be easier than others. In times of life not making a lot of sense, gratitude can breathe some air into our heavy chests.

Practicing gratitude has less to do with what you have and more to do with what you make of it. It’s easy to be grateful when life is all sunshine and roses. For most of us, this is not always the case. We might not be able to see what we are grateful for so clearly.

I encourage you to practice gratitude during those challenging days as well. Consider someone who is living with suicidal thoughts. You can still practice gratitude by being thankful for continue to be alive, and continuing to fight. When life is throwing many challenges my way, I try to be grateful for the lessons in patience, compassion, or willpower.

We all have something to be grateful for.

My biggest test in patience.

New Beginnings

Today is another crisp fall day. It seems perfect to be thinking about new beginnings. I’ve been having a lot of those lately. Last month, it was starting at a brand new agency and having to learn about new policies, techniques, and even just workplace culture. This month, I’m starting to prepare for another new beginning. October might be my final month with my beloved crisis team.

I love crisis work. I always have. There is something about being challenged daily that excites me. But for life reasons, it’s time to move on. It’s not a major change in the sense that I’ll be staying with the same agency. However, it means leaving a team that I have loved being a part of for the last seven years.

Each October day that passes makes it all the more real. I can feel my anxiety levels slowly increasing each day. I can’t even pinpoint what it is that I’m anxious about. I know I can do the work. I know I’m ready to try something different. But each time I think about it, I get the knot in my stomach and tingling energy coursing through my veins.

I don’t think about this anxiety as a negative though. Sure, it’s not super fun to experience. But what’s the alternative? To never change? To never grow? To never explore? That is not a life I’m interested in living. So I am simply acknowledging those physical signs of change and thank my body for acknowledging the changes that are coming my way.

Autumn in Algonquin

Saying "Yes"

One of the aspects of my life that I’ve always taken pride in is my ability to constantly say “yes”. I try to say “yes” to new challenges, new experiences, and spending time with people I love. I have recently realized however that my ability to say “yes” is not always possible as I do not have unlimited storages of energy.

My eagerness to experience new adventures has served me well in years past. I have been able to do some pretty cool things by being open and willing. I do not regret saying “yes” to previous opportunities and experiences. Some of my best memories are based on this immediate instinct to say “yes”.

What I’m learning is that there needs to be a balance. As life goes on, more and more opportunities are presenting themselves to me. As much as I want to keep saying “yes” to each of these, I’m becoming increasingly aware that I simply don’t have the ability to do so. I need to come up with a way of prioritizing my time and resources. I need to reflect on what is important to me.

Personally, this doesn’t mean only focusing on my career. It also means finding time to prioritize the people in my life who are important to me without exhausting myself. I think balance is something that we all struggle with and will always be something I need to strive towards. I will need to consistently check in with myself to see if I’m saying “yes” to everything, or saying “yes” to what is truly important to me.

Skipping Plans

I started a new placement for my master's degree a couple of weeks ago. It has been exciting but also exhausting. The first weekend after starting, I had so many plans. My first thought was to push through and go to everything. I said I was going to go so I needed to get there.

Then I did something totally unthinkable for me. I said no to everything. I literally just didn't go to a single event so I could stay at home.

I felt so incredibly guilty. It's funny because I can tell other people to put themselves first and to take care of themselves. But how hard is it to take our own advice? I literally sat there in guilt for so long. Every once in a while I would try to convince myself to go anyways. I kept telling myself "it doesn't matter if you're tired, you're missing out!" And man, does social media ever let you know what you're missing out on.

Even though I didn't enjoy staying at home as much as I could've because of the intense feelings of guilt and FOMO, my body thanked me for the time off. It made me want to consciously make an effort to schedule one weekend of nothingness a month. I might miss out on something. But I would rather have the energy to enjoy the things I go to than drag myself to every single event.

I’m also going to try and be kinder to those who skip out on plans last minute. It doesn’t mean that they don’t want to spend time with me. Maybe it just means that they need to only spend time with themselves.

Solitude

If you've read my other stuff, you know I love the people in my life. But there's something to be said for solitude. I love being alone. 

I didn't always love spending time on my own. I am definitely an extrovert and thrive on being around others. It also took a long time for me to be able to honestly say that I love myself. I was not my favourite person. And being alone felt like a reminder of that.

One of the best things I ever did for myself was to travel by myself. I started small with a trip to visit family on the west coast. It was an educational experience to travel on my own but I had the comfort of arriving somewhere that I could be with people I felt safe with. The next big trip I took was to Ireland all by myself. I didn't have much of a plan but I knew I wanted to see as much of the country as I could. I met amazing people along the way. But I also had to learn to be comfortable sitting at a table by myself. I had to sit in my own thoughts and immerse myself in my surroundings.

Not everyone can afford to take trips on their own. But my advice is to start making time for solo adventures. Go to the park by yourself. Sit in a coffee shop and put down your phone. Immerse yourself in the world around you. Listen to your internal voice. Do not rely on artificial connection because of this fear of being alone. Soak up those moments when you get to be on your own.

Impact

Sometimes people talk to me about how it must be incredible to have a job where you can have so much impact on the lives of others. The funny thing is, we all have that opportunity. I always joke that I think hairdressers spend more time counselling than I do. In almost every profession, we have contact with other humans. Whether it is a customer/client or a co-worker, most people have the opportunity to speak with another human being.

We all have the capacity to make an impact. Be open with others and listen to their stories. I know I can have my day brightened by a nice conversation with a convenience store clerk. And I always feel grateful when I have to call somewhere with an issue and the receptionist treats me with respect and dignity. I can only imagine the impact it could have on someone who feels like they have no one they can talk to.

We all have the potential to positively impact someone else’s life. With our words or even a smile, we can completely turn around someone’s day. People sometimes laugh at me because I look directly at strangers passing by and smile. I often have in depth conversations with complete strangers in line or in an elevator. I honestly enjoy it, but it almost makes me think of the potential impact.

We have literally no idea what other people are going through. That person you smile at could have woken up with no hope. The older gentleman you chat with at the grocery store may only have one outing a week and this is his chance for human interaction. Put down your phone and engage with those around you. You have no idea the impact you might have.

Being In the Moment

Do you ever get stressed about not being in the moment enough? Me too.

Mindfulness. She's a tricky lady. Ignore her and you'll be missing out on some truly peaceful moments. Focus too hard on her and you'll find yourself more upset/anxious than before you tried.

I learned a lesson about meditation many years ago and have to remind myself of this lesson often while trying to practice mindfulness. It's okay when other thoughts enter your mind. It's okay if you're in the middle of breathing in the air and focusing on the sounds of the waves and suddenly you're thinking of what you should make for dinner. 

This is okay mainly because the alternative to accepting these thoughts doesn't really work. The more you fight these random thoughts, the more you get stuck on them. I like to use the example of a purple elephant. If someone says don't think of a purple elephant, what's the first thing you think of? Fighting thoughts gives them power. Instead, simply accept them and let them go.

So as I sit by the beach with random thoughts popping in my brain, I will choose to accept them and let them go. And I'll continue to try and not get mad at myself for not being in the moment enough.

Animals

Have you ever wondered why animal therapy is so popular? Surely if you have pets, you know how comforting they can be. But what is it about our animals that brings this sense of comfort?

Connection

Human beings need connection. One of our biggest social determinants of health is isolation. Our pets help us feel connected to something greater than ourselves. They provide meaningful companionship.

Mindfulness

A large part of practicing mindfulness is staying in the moment. Mindfulness can be incredibly challenging for many of us. Animals never struggle to stay in the moment. Have you ever seen a cat worry about what they did last night? Or a dog worry about what he is going to do tomorrow? Of course not. Our animals force us to stay present.

Grounding

Speaking of being in the moment, we can use grounding techniques to bring us back to where we are. This can be especially challenging when anxiety hits. One easy way to use grounding is to pet our pets. Seriously. Spend a few moments stroking your pet and focusing on the sensation. This helps to bring us back to where we are.

Animals do so much for us and our mental health. These are just a few examples of how they're able to do so.

Hank and Bernard