Current Losses

We are experiencing mass grief right now. Many of us have lost major parts of our lives. We are grieving trips, events, seeing loved ones, etc. Children are grieving school, team sports, time with friends, etc. Many of the emotions that we are feeling during this time in isolation can be tied to grief experiences. Some of us may be fighting the urge to judge other people. “How dare she be grieving over the loss of her family vacation when I’ve lost my job?” While others may be fighting the urge to judge themselves. “How can I even be sad about missing out on our vacation when we still have jobs and our health?” Judgement has no place in healing. Each person’s loss is meaningful and deserves to be acknowledged.

Brené Brown, famous researcher and social worker, talks about comparative suffering and the dangers it brings. Even previous to this pandemic, I would hear clients tell me that they do not allow themselves to feel bad because someone else has it worse. This has become amplified. There is no finite limit on compassion. I can allow myself to feel pain while honouring the pain of others. I can allow myself be feel validated while validating others. It is not about who has the right to feel pain. We all do. And we all deserve compassion.

Previous Losses

As a practitioner who focuses on grief, I am very aware of the research around grief triggering grief. I am also aware of this through my own experiences with loss. Many of us are being triggered and reliving some of the painful experiences we went through during previous losses. The last time I was isolating myself at home and grieving my previous life was after the loss of Arrow. It took some time for me to recognize that I was reliving a time in my life that I would rather not go through again.

If you are wondering if you are experiencing grief or having previous losses triggered, you can look to Dr. Elisabeth Kübler-Ross and her five stages of grief (denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance). These stages of grief have been widely disputed because of their misuse. These stages were never meant to provide a linear idea of what grief looks like. Instead, they were intended to highlight themes that people were experiencing while grieving. Some people have also misused them as a way to think there is a final step and then you get over it. There is no getting over it. There is learning to live with it and accommodate the loss. If you are trying to name what you are feeling and normalize some of your experiences, read more about these stages. Just remember, they are meant to be descriptive and not prescriptive.

Healing Through Loss

So what do we do about this? How do we heal from our grief? Firstly, we need to have our grief witnessed. We need to say “I am hurting” and have someone acknowledge this pain. This is the most important thing we need when grieving. It sounds simple but not everyone is a good witness. A lot of people are uncomfortable talking about death. Or want to tell you how to move on. Find someone who can sit with you and just witness your grief. If you are having trouble finding this, reach out to a professional or peer support. There are support groups running online as well.

There has been a lot of research on continuing bonds. In these studies, people have noticed more ability to accommodate their loss by using methods under the umbrella of continuing bonds. This could be holding onto mementos of the person or animal you lost. I had a client who kept his brother’s favourite chair and every time he sat on it, he felt more connected to his brother. Another method that is currently more challenging is visiting places that were important to the person or animal that is gone. For us, it is a particular log in our neighbourhood forest that Arrow used to climb on. We might not be able to go to these places right now but we might have photos of being there. Or we can close our eyes and remember what it feels like to be there. The sights, the sounds, the smells. All of it. Some people use letter writing. Some people play songs that spark memories. There are many ways of doing this. But most importantly, it is about maintaining that connection after death.

David Kessler is another author/expert on grief. He worked with Elisabeth Kübler-Ross and recently wrote a book about a sixth stage of grief- finding meaning. In this book, he talks about going beyond accommodation. He talks about ways in which we can find meaning in a loved one’s life or even in their death. He blends together ideology from Viktor Frankl’s work on man’s search for meaning and grief research while drawing on his own experiences. Finding meaning in this can be difficult and should not be rushed. We must feel the pain of loss before jumping to this method. It is not enough to put a silver lining on bad news. I am able to find meaning in my loss of Arrow because it has given me a focus for my practice. Without going through that devastating loss, I may not have chosen this focus. I would give it all up to have him back. But I find some comfort in knowing that his life and death have given me purpose.

We are all grieving. We are all experiencing some sort of loss. Be patient with yourself and others. And be mindful of any previous losses that are being triggered by this shared state of loss.