Find Your Circle

Many of us have heard about how you have to surround yourself with successful people. The idea that you are the average of the five people closest to you. When I first heard this concept, I thought of how successful or goal oriented people are. I thought about where my friends were at in terms of their career and athletic achievements. I had an internal rejection of this concept because I did not want to judge my friends based on such a quantifiable social structure.

I stopped considering this concept and just surrounded myself with who I wanted to be near. I let my internal compass guide me to those I felt comfortable with. Those who I felt I could be my most true self with. I took a step back and considered who I was surrounding myself with. I can honestly say that I have some of the most amazing people in my life. Here is how I choose to judge those around me.

Support

There is nothing quite like knowing you have multiple people you can turn to in need. People who will have your back during any crisis and will do so without expecting anything in return.

Vulnerability

I am always so proud of my friends when we can be honest and discuss how we are trying to better ourselves through counselling, treatment, medication, meditation, etc. To have a group of people show their true selves without fear of judgement is a truly powerful experience.

Belief in Each Other

My friends have dreams. They might not look like my dreams. They might not be quantifiable capitalistic dreams. But I will do anything to help them succeed and I know they would do the same for me.

Laughter

Not everything has to be so damn serious. Feed your soul in many ways. My friends can go between discussing how they are working towards a better version of themselves and belly laughing over the most ridiculous things. Get yourself a group of friends who can do both.

Bottom line, let your soul guide you to your true people. It goes beyond who is successful. Or “good vibes only”. Find your tribe that makes your heart happy. Those are your people.

Mornings

There’s nothing ground-breaking with idea that routine is good for your mental health. I’ve heard this many times before. I, however, am not naturally someone who lives in routine. Everyday is different and I thrive on this.

Lately I’ve actually prescribed myself a morning routine. While in Bali, my body clock got completely turned around and I would wake up with the sunrise every morning. I would go do sunrise yoga, go for a hike, or just slowly warm up to the day with coffee. Now I’m sure anyone would feel relaxed while staying in Bali, but I wanted to see if I could bring this state of relaxing home with me.

After coming home it was easy to get caught up in the chaos of life again. But I really tried to start waking up a little earlier. The first thing I would do is I would eat a big healthy breakfast. I love breakfast so this wasn’t a major change for me, but I had more of an intention to fuel myself before going out into the world.

The next step was to take Bernard to the forest. Being in the forest is relaxing enough for me, but again I wanted to bring more intention to this practice. I decided to start using mindfulness more while being there. I didn’t want it just be another space where I was worried about everything I needed to get done. I focus on the smells of the forest. I focus on the sound of the wind, the dirt beneath my feet, the rustling of the trees, even the panting of Bernard. I focus on the sensation of the ground beneath me. Or the way Bernard’s fur feels when I pet him. While I’m in that forest, the rest of the World does not matter.

When I get home, I do a short yoga practice. It honestly takes about ten minutes and focuses mostly on sun salutations. Lastly, I do a short meditation. I like to end my yoga practice by setting intentions for the rest of the day. These are small intentions that I can focus on. They are based on how I have been feeling so far that morning and what lies ahead. Some common ones for me are “calm”, “peace”, “courage”, etc. It’s not about planning tasks for the day, but rather setting intentions for how I will react to the day.

I love my mornings now. Going from someone who would lie in bed until the very last acceptable second to waking up hours before I start work has been quite the change. But it has really impacted how I approach my day.

Remembering

A couple of weeks ago, I woke up feeling awful. I was just off. I thought it must just be exhaustion, however when I tried to sleep that night I couldn’t. My body felt tense and I just could not relax enough to sleep. The next morning I felt even worse. I could not figure out why I was feeling so terrible. That was until good old social media decided to show me what my “memory” was from the year before. It was the day we said goodbye to Arrow.

This still is one of the hardest days of my life. At times, my mind tries to blur the memories and guilt tries to creep in. It tries to make me feel like I didn’t do enough. I didn’t try enough. But I remember the way he slumped his body into mine that morning. As if to tell me he was ready. In that moment, I could tell we were both done fighting. Nine months of new medications, hospitalizations, and slowly losing the dog I once knew.

I couldn’t believe that my body knew what day it was before my memory could catch up. The restlessness, the aches and pains, the exhaustion; these were all signs that I needed to slow down and remember my best friend. I knew the anniversary had to be coming up, but I wanted to just keep pressing on with life and not focus on the past. But my whole system screamed at me to slow down.

We took some time to remember our special little guy. We reminisced about healthy Arrow, goofy Arrow, and even Arrow when he was sick. We sat in our grief. I cried. I laughed. I wished he was still with us. I was grateful for the time that he was.

My journey with grief has been an interesting one. We make efforts to remember Arrow everyday. He is still up on our walls and I look up at him constantly. Each time we walk by his favourite spot in his favourite forest, we place our hands on the log and say “hello”. Sometimes his new brother Bernard stops by too. We continue to heal. And we continue to grow.

My First Year of Marriage

I am coming up to my first year of being legally married. Some days it is hard to believe that we’ve been married this long while other days it feels like we’ve been married for years. I know we are only a year in but I honestly feel like we’ve been through a lot together in the last year. Our marriage started out through a pretty rough depression for me. We planned our wedding for August 18th. Then my world was shaken on March 18th. We were told that day that there were no more treatment options for our dog. It was time to say goodbye and I was not ready. We made the decision to keep him in our lives until his next epileptic episode. Through all of the sadness and despair, what hit me the hardest was that he would not be there for our wedding. I had even gotten him a little tuxedo of his own. We planned a wedding in ten days. It was beautiful, but it was tragic. I was very depressed for the first weeks and months of our marriage. Plus the financial stress that comes along with all those vet bills. We’ve had lots of great times but life has been very stressful as well. My husband is changing jobs and has been putting in long hours between work and training. I’ve got a full-time job, a part-time job, and two university courses. That’s marriage though, isn’t it? It’s not perfect. Life’s not perfect. But here is what I’ve learned through it all.

1) Quality of Time Vs. Quantity of Time
We have very little time together between the busyness of our lives. So we make it count. We shut off the TV. We put down our phones. We connect with each other. Our favourite thing is going for walks or runs where we have zero distractions.

2) Own Up to Your Bullshit
None of us are perfect. I try to be a wonderful and supportive partner but there are times I react poorly because I’m stressed. I pulled the “you should know when I need to talk about something” card with my husband recently. After reflecting, I realized I was just stressed and not communicating well. So I owned up to it and apologized. I love that we can do that.

3) Support Each Other’s Growth
I have to give my husband a lot of credit on this one. I went from let’s drink beer and eat steak to a vegetarian who rarely drinks. In all seriousness, growth is important. And I love that when I tell my husband I am working towards something new or working on myself, he immediately supports me. I always try to do the same for him.

4) Know When to Take a Step Back
I’ve learned recently that “not going to bed angry” doesn’t mean that you resolve every issue before bed. That would lead to a lot of restless nights. Plus, I’m a self-reflection kind of gal that needs time to digest issues to see the whole picture. For us, we say goodnight and I love you every night regardless because you can still be frustrated with someone while honoring your relationship.

That is my view on marriage after one year in. It also helps to be married to your favourite person. <3

Radical Acceptance

This has been one of the most difficult times of my life. My best friend Arrow has been in and out of puppy hospital for cluster seizures. Each cluster is terrifying and stressful, and unfortunately expensive (which adds to financial stress).
Because of all this, I have started to try out radical acceptance. This is a skill I learned about through DBT. I started applying it to my life recently because I was constantly stressed and unable to sleep. I am accepting my situation because it is out of my control. All I can do is listen to his neurologists. So I accept that this is my life. That Arrow has cluster seizures and that I will have to deal with them. To me, there is no other option. Instead of being angry or frustrated, I accept this. It does not mean that I am giving up hope. It just means that I am constantly reminding myself that this is my life now and that's okay.

My Confession

I have a confession to make…I am a perfectionist. This might surprise some people who know me because there are many aspects of my life where my perfectionism does not come up, such as being organized (you should see my house- seriously) or school assignments. When my perfectionism does come out, it is nasty. It is critical. It is mean. It is poison.

I sat down with my director over a month ago because I was really struggling at work. I hit that wall. In social work we call it compassion fatigue, but I called it “I just can’t handle other people’s stories right now.” It was incredibly hard for me to admit that I had gotten to this point. I know I have a tough job and I have never judged a coworker for hitting their limit, but I should be better. I need to be stronger than everyone else. I cannot show any weakness. I can look at those statements and logically think there is no weakness in admitting your vulnerabilities but do I feel that? Nope.

She asked if I was a perfectionist and was surprised to hear that I was. Because I care about what I do, I criticize myself every contact I have. I should have said something else. I should have asked about blank. I am not good enough to do this work. I finally said out loud that I have never left my job feeling like I did enough. It was becoming clear that my perfectionism was getting in the way of being able to have any self-love and resiliency to do the work I do.

I have, over the years, reaped the benefits of being a perfectionist. I have accomplished a lot in my life. The problem is, I have never been able to enjoy those accomplishments. My therapist asked me if I had a bar for myself and I said that I do and it is constantly rising. Even when I wrote my book, it was not good enough. I needed to be more successful with it. This is such a subjective goal that with every achievement, I expect more of myself. I am even so critical of myself that I have not read any of my book since publishing it because I am petrified that I will find faults and hate that I ever wrote it.

So here I am. I am finally acknowledging my perfectionist ways. I am hearing those criticisms and fully listening to them. I cannot ignore my vulnerabilities and self-doubt, but I can try to identify when the poisonous self-talk starts and replace it with positive affirmations. I have been seeing a therapist and reading The Gifts of Imperfection by Brené Brown to continue to better understand my perfectionism. I feel more raw than ever and incredibly vulnerable. I am scared shitless. But this is probably the healthiest I have been in a very long time.

Photo by Eryn Lobsinger

Supports

I have been thinking a lot about the supports in my life. I have been thinking about the fact that there were many years that my supports were able to keep me alive. Now, I don't say that lightly. I had times when the suicidal thoughts were becoming so overwhelming that I was seriously considering death. I remember one night I messaged a friend saying that I was done. I was at the point that I was ready to die. He asked me to call him. Since it was the middle of the night, I sneaked into the garage and sat in my mom's car. I don't even remember what he said to me when I called. But he was there. All I needed was for someone to be there.

Supporting someone with a mental illness can seem like such a daunting task. However, sometimes it is not always a complicated process. I had a time when I was feeling very low. A friend of mine asked how I was and I simply said "I'm having a sad week." Instead of feeling uncomfortable about this response or trying to come up with a way for me to not be sad, he asked "can I do anything to help?" I then said that I could use a hug. I didn't need a big intervention. I just wanted a hug from a friend.

So often I needed someone to just be with me. I didn't always need a major intervention and there are many times that I would not have accepted anyone's advice. I really just needed someone to be with me.

Photograph by Jordan Snobelen

Puppy Love

I recently got a puppy who I am madly in love with. His name is Arrow and he is a Bulloxer (American Bulldog x Boxer). I have always believed that pets have so much therapeutic value. He gave me the reminder I need just the other night.

I have a very stressful job working on a Crisis Team. Some days, I deal with the stress of work quite well. Other days, I hear some really impactful things. I love my job, but it definitely wears on you. Recently, I had a really hard day. It was one of those days that make me question if anything I say will make the slightest difference. When you are working with people who are at their breaking point, this is not a good feeling to have.

There are a few moments in this job that really stick with you, and I had one of those that night. It was one of the heaviest contacts that I have had in a long time. They are the times when it is not so easy to switch from work mode into personal mode. I try to maintain that work-life balance that we in the helping professions try so hard to achieve. I especially try to not let it affect my relationships.

I was worried that night. I was worried that when my partner came home, I would be cold and distant. Then I saw Arrow. I saw his goofy face and his little eyebrow. I saw how happy he was to see me. As soon as I gave him the biggest hug I could, my stress melted away. He didn’t ask me how my day was because he knew. He brought me over his toys to play with him. I went from crying in my car on the way home to laughing my butt off at how silly Arrow can be. By the time my partner came home, I was back to my regular old self. I was genuinely happy to just be with my guys.

Arrow is only three months old and he already does my job better than I ever could.

Photo by Eryn Lobsinger

My "Why"

It is the end of the year and like many others, I have decided to reflect on my last year. A lot of this year was spent working on Seeing Through The Label which involves getting my story out there. I have been reflecting on my “why”. I wanted to know more about what motivates me to channel so much of my time and energy into having people hear my life story.

At first, I thought about the reasons that had more of a negative connation because my illness is usually centred on fear and self-doubt. I was worried that I was doing this completely selfishly and wanted to find some kind of fame by telling people all about me. I was worried that I was using my illness and recovery to pat myself on the back and have people pay attention to me. Then I thought about something I’ve talked about in the past which is that it is okay to be selfish. It is okay that I gain something by sharing my story. I am able to have that outlet. I am able to connect with others to help remind myself that I am not as weird and messed up as I think I am.

I also like the fact that I can connect with others by sharing my story because I see the impact it has on their lives as well. I want to help others with those feelings of isolation that I have experienced myself. I think back to when I first started to experience odd thoughts. I did not want to share these thoughts because I thought that I was the only one. I did not want to seek help because I was so afraid that I was the only one who could possibly think that way.

Stigma is something that we still talk about as well. I share my story to try to outweigh some of the negative stereotypes. When all we hear about mental illness are the frontline news stories condemning people with mental illness, we as a society fear them. Statistics are great, but people resonate with real life stories. Some people need to see that the illness is only one part of a person. That is why it is important for people to talk about their lives and how they manage their illness. It makes it more normalized, and people see those frontline stories as what they are; anomalies to the norm.

Upon reflecting on my “why,” I have regained some of my drive to keep pushing forward which I had recently lost. New Years should not just be about wanting to lose weight or quit smoking. Take a moment to reflect on your passion and what makes you want to keep pushing forward.

Taken at the seminar in Thompson, MB.

Making the Tough Choice

I have always been afraid to try a medication. I have never thought negatively of people who do, but it was something I had always stayed away from.

I had convinced myself that I did not need to go on medication. I had convinced myself that I was coping well enough that I did not need to. When I went to a psychiatrist for the first time last week, I had no desire of going on medication. Doing mental health crisis work, I understand that psychiatric assessments take quite a while to get set up, so I made the appointment over a year ago. I went into the appointment planning on sharing my coping strategies and making it obvious that I did not need to be on medication.

I had my back up when I first went in. I had no idea what to expect from this psychiatrist and was horribly nervous. I ended up having a really good appointment with her. She introduced herself by her first name and immediately made me feel comfortable and on the same level as her. Once we finished talking for about two hours, she brought up the idea of medication. I started to get uncomfortable again because we had talked a lot about how my mental illnesses affect me.

The psychiatrist actually listened to my concerns. I talked about how I still want to feel things. I told her that I still want to have those typical good days and bad days outside of symptoms. I explained that I still want to be able to cry sometimes and get genuinely excited about things. She explained that her intention is to stop my mental illness from affecting my day to day life, not to stop me from feeling. To be honest, I had not even thought about how much it still affected me. I had become so busy that I stopped recognizing how much of a burden it is on me.

She also explained to me that for every episode I have, I further damage my brain which also makes me more susceptible for further episodes. We talked about starting at a very low dosage on a medication that is specifically designed for more of what I am looker for which is more manageable lows and highs that are capped so they do not become too dangerous or out of control.

Today I am going to get a prescription from my family doctor to finally start a psychiatric medication. I am still terrified of how it might affect me (thanks anxiety), but I am hopeful that it will make my life a little more manageable.

Photo by Jordan Snobelen

In that moment...

In that moment, I was so grateful to just be.

I was walking down an empty trail in the hills of Kentucky. My mind started to wander. I started to think about what I was going to do next. I started thinking about the rest of my day and what adventured I would be chasing after next. Then I stopped. I stopped moving, I stopped thinking, and I closed my eyes. I took a deep breath and realized what I was doing. I was not truly embracing the moment. People talk a lot about dwelling in the past and letting that weigh them down. This is rarely my vice. My vice is constantly looking ahead. While it is nice to look forward to what I hope will be enjoyable experiences, I become too focused on what is next. I miss out on experiencing everything that is around me in that moment.

So I opened my eyes, put away my camera, and really focused on what I was seeing. I rested my hand on the old oak tree beside me. I felt the grooves of the bark and the coolness of the moss. I leaned into it and listened to the noises it made in the wind. I thought about that fresh smell that you only get while in the woods. Then I looked up the trail to see three beautiful deer just about fifteen feet away from me. I looked into their eyes as they continued to walk towards me. As they crossed the trail in front of me, a tear rolled down my cheek.

For in that moment, I was so grateful to just be.

World Suicide Prevention Day

Today is World Suicide Prevention Day and I have seen many statistics proving its worth. Proving that suicide is prevalent in Canada and the average person should be concerned about it. I am asking for each of you to do something completely self-centred for prevention. Whether you have thought about suicide in the past, are currently thinking about suicide, or may potentially think about suicide in the future (aka you are a human being), create your own plan for what you might do to PREVENT yourself from acting on these thoughts.

Creating our own individual plan is so important when it comes to mental health issues. There is no one solid plan of what to do when you are struggling. There is no online list of the “15 Things You Should Do When Experiencing Suicidal Thoughts” that fits each and every one of us. That is why we each need out own plan that we need to design ourselves. Professionals can be helpful for suggestions about what could be on the list, but it is up to you to determine which best suits you.

Now there are generally speaking two types of suicidal thoughts. These are active or passive. Most of us who have experienced them know the difference of how they feel. Active suicidal thoughts are when we have come up with a fairly immediate plan and are thinking of acting on that plan. Passive suicidal thoughts are more so when we start to consider suicide as a real option. They are the ones when we feel like dying might be or is the most beneficial option in our situation. Both of these types take very different plans.

Working on our own plan gives us the opportunity to think about ourselves and learn more about how we feel and what helps our mood. Self-discovery and self-reflection can be difficult, but lead to a much greater knowledge of ourselves and how to help ourselves. I have attached my own plan at the end of this for a vague idea of what it may look like. What works for me may not work for you. Keep trying new healthy coping strategies until you find your own Prevention Plan.

Active Suicidal Thoughts

-call my specific supports (listed in a private plan)

-attend the ER

-call my local crisis line or 911

Passive Suicidal Thoughts

-distractions techniques (focus on something else such as boxing techniques)

-being at the gym

-being around positive people

-journal

-take time off

-be in nature

Loss

Over the last couple of weeks, I have been dealing with a significant amount of loss. I found my dog who I loved very dearly after he had died in his sleep. This was a huge shock for me and I was absolutely distraught. My heart had never hurt so much and I could not stop crying. The next week was filled with sleepless nights and teary eyes, but I decided to try not to think about it when I went away for the weekend. On my way home, I found out that my grandmother had taken a turn for the worse. She died that night. I did not think that my heart could break anymore, but it did. I did not think that I could cry anymore, but I did. I shared so much love with both of them. It’s honestly still hard for me to process that both of them are gone let alone put into words the amount of pain I am feeling about it.

One positive aspect of this difficult time has been that I am reminded of how incredible my support system is. One of the biggest techniques that I preach for supporters is to simply ask what you can do and put out an open offer of help. I have had people contact me offering their support since my grief began. I have not taken up everyone on their offers to talk, but it is nice to know that if or when I need that, those people are there. My one friend called me when she found out about my grandmother. She gave her condolences and told me to let her know if I needed anything. As soon as I hung up I ended up calling her back and saying “I would really like to just go for lunch.” So we went to our favourite breakfast joint and had a great time together. We talked about my grandmother, but we also just chatted about life in general. In that moment, all I really needed was to spend some time with someone I love and eat bacon. I also had my boxing coach send me a message saying “let me know if you need to hit something today” to which I responded “yes please!”

That is what I always find interesting. During difficult times, most of us don’t need grand gestures or to have our friends and family say the right thing. Sometimes it is enough to simply know that there are people who love and support you. Sometimes I want to go out and spend time with friends, sometimes I want to just talk to one or two of my closest friends, and sometimes I want to be left alone. The beauty of having people ask me what I need or let me know that whatever I choose is okay, is that I get exactly what I need. It is not always easy to ask people for what I need, but I am getting better at it. One of my grandmother’s most memorable habits (which was even touched on in her eulogy) was that she would ask people to do things for her all the time with no guilt. Apparently she even got her doctor to end up fixing her dishwasher. So, I’m going to continue to take a page from Grandma and ask people for exactly what I need.

Responding to the Negative

I have recently started to receive negative feedback on Seeing Through The Label. Logically, I understand that negative feedback is a part of everything you do. I honestly believe that if you never receive negative feedback, then you're not pushing the boundaries of the status quo enough. You can never bring about change by doing what everyone agrees with. But again, that is me thinking logically. That is not to say that it does not affect me emotionally. The first email I opened that included feedback of this kind had me go through many different emotions. At first I was in complete shock, and then I became quite angry and vilified the person who wrote it. I was able to move from the anger, but I was still upset that someone had said something unkind about what I was trying to do. Eventually I was given another message of support. I received another donation. I got another pat on the back. Suddenly, I didn't need to focus on the negative feedback any more.

I don't like to consider myself as someone who needs constant validation. However, sometimes I need something positive to break that negative train of thought. At this moment, I needed that positive feedback to reroute that train of thought. It helped me to no longer focus on the negative long enough that I was able to put it all into perspective again.

I have recently developed more of an interest in neuroscience which shows that the more we focus on the negative, the stronger the neuropathway becomes that leads us to the negative. The more we focus on the positive, the stronger the neuropathway becomes that leads us to the positive. This means that if we spend more time complaining and focusing on issues, we actually train our brain to constantly go back to the negative. I was stuck in the negative feedback. I would have continued to build stronger neuropathways to all of the issues, if it wasn’t for the positive feedback. Instead I could then focus on all of the positives about what I am doing and continue to strengthen the neuropathway that leads me back to positivity. So thank you for helping me strengthen my neuropathway back to my happy thoughts.

Being Kind to Others Without Being Unkind to Yourself

I recently had a conversation with someone that was quite troubling. As always, I did some self-reflection on it and started to question how I reacted to it.

Because of the troubling nature of the messages I received, I chose to not react immediately. I knew that if I did so, it would have led to a "go f*** yourself" and here is why you should. The more I sat on it, the more I started to think about what this person's intentions were in sending these messages. I realized that this "friend" was actually hoping for an argument. I read them over and over again. The more I did so, the more I read the aggressive energy that was being directed at me. I could tell that there was a hope that I would react aggressively in turn.

Instead, I chose to be more kind with my responses than my original emotional reaction would have hoped for. I instead chose to be more accepting of the comments that were clearly meant to hurt me, because I was trying to deescalate the conflict. I was kind to this person even though this person was not kind to me. This is something that I thought would provide me with peace of mind. Why then am I still feeling distraught from this conversation?

In my effort to be kind to this person, I was unkind to myself. I allowed myself to be spoken to in such an insulting manner, that it continues to affect. I am glad that I did not feed into the conflict, but I should not have remained in such an offensive conversation. Looking back, I should have simply removed myself from the conversation all together. I allowed this person to put their negative energy on me in order for them to try and not carry so much of it. I let this conversation affect me for far longer than it should have as there ultimately should have never been a two-sided conversation.

Memories

As I stand here looking out at all of the beauty before me, I cannot help but think of the last time I was here. My mind goes back to when I was here almost four years ago with a man I was very much in love with. It is a strange mixture of joy and sadness that passes through me. I remember laughing with you. I remember how your smile warmed my heart. I remember the silly things you used to say to me. I remember the way it felt when you touched my hand. I can still to this day feel the spark going through me until I end up with a huge smile on my face. I was truly in love.

May, 2011

And now here I stand without you. I stand alone in the same spot where we both stood together while barely being able to stand two steps apart. That love still rings true in my heart, but now sorrow follows. The most devastating part is that you would have done anything for me, but in my youth, I threw it away. The idea of "the right person at the wrong time" does not bring me any comfort. If anything, I think it would have been easier if you were the wrong person. Had I met you now, I know things would have been different. I know that I would never have gone back to Canada. I know that I would have done anything to be with you. But now, almost three years since telling you how much I wanted to be with you, we speak for the first time in years. I want to tell you that I miss you and that I love you but I know that it is too late now. So I just wish you well instead, and hope to one day meet again.

March, 2015

Veering Off Course

With everything that I have been working on lately, I started to forget about what is most important; my wellness. I recently experienced a manic episode. during Instead of recognizing this at the start, as I usually would, I let the mania take over. I allowed myself to feel the rush of emotions. I allowed myself to use the energy and keep pushing forward.
Now as I feel myself crashing, I find myself looking back and recognizing all of the signs. I find myself wishing that I would have recognized what was going on. I was not able to do so because I was not checking in with myself. I stopped doing my self-reflection throughout the day. 
I cannot go back and prevent myself from managing my symptoms so poorly. I have to try to not feel guilty about it, or my depression will only become worse. I can only work on managing my depression better. I will allow myself to feel my emotions, but I will not allow my emotions to control me. Moving forward, I will me making my wellness a priority. As busy as I may get, I need to remember that I can only accomplish what I want to accomplish if I am well.

Clarity

The best time of my life was when I went to Ireland on my own with a real lack of planning. The first place I stayed was an amazing little hostel that was more of a farm house. Right across the street from this place was a little sign pointing to a beach. As I walked down the path, I started to breathe a little easier. The further I went, the more I felt both full of energy and completely serene. I walked down that path so many times during that week. I also spent hours sitting by the water thinking about everything and nothing at the same time. Even though it was a couple of years ago now, I still feel the same whenever I think about that place.

Finding a moment of total clarity can be rare. However it is impossible to achieve if you are constantly trying to make it happen. The best moments are when you feel the overwhelming sense of peace without even searching for it. Sometimes we find clarity because of where we are, who we are with, or just a feeling that comes to us.

Resilience

A lot of people have a hard time seeing the positive side of mental illness, especially those who have never struggled. For many of us who have come out the other side, we know that there are positive aspects. I do not think that I am quite at the point that I am thankful for everything that I have gone through, but I am at peace with it. There are positives and negatives in everything, and I choose to focus on the positives.

One of the greatest qualities that come from dealing with mental health issues is resilience. It is the ability to bounce back whenever life knocks you down. It is the ability to come across impossible situations and somehow make it through. It is the ability to conquer all of life’s struggles.

One of the reasons we find resilience when having gone through life’s challenges is simply believing that we can make it through. Because we have faced near defeat, we know that we can end up on top. There are times that I feel completely hopeless. Within these thoughts of hopelessness, I remember that I have been here before and made it through.

Another reason we find resilience is that we know how we made it through the last time. When I get stuck in that hopeless place, I not only remember that I made it through the last time but I remember how. I remember that I need to surround myself with positive people. I know that I need to ask for patience and hugs to make it through.

Things happen. Life happens. Thinks will go wrong. Life will feel wrong. I refuse to promise myself that I will never struggle again. I know that I will. I know that I struggled within the last month. I know that tomorrow could be a new battle. But I also know that I can take it all in stride. 

The Choice to be Alone

I am not an expert on relationships. If anything, I think I may be somewhat of an expert on dysfunctional ones. Recently I realized that in March, I will have been single for an entire year. A couple of years ago, the thought of being alone would have terrified me. I would have immediately thought that there was something wrong with me that made me unwanted. This is no longer the case. I have come to learn that being single can be an extremely liberating choice.

The older I get, the more I realize how little I know about myself. I am constantly discovering new things about myself. Whether it is about my emotional well-being or what my likes and dislikes are, there is a lot more I have yet to discover. I have also been trying to be more honest with myself. We lie to ourselves more than anyone else. We try to fool ourselves into thinking we are someone different than we actually are.

What worries me the most about being in a relationship is giving someone else the ability to influence my growth. A lot of times we do not realize how much we are adapting to fit with what someone else wants. We all do it. When we meet someone who we find ourselves interested in, we try and showcase what we believe to be our more desirable characteristics. We can become lost in between who we are and who our partner wants us to be.

I know that there is much more that I need to learn about myself before adding in someone else's influence. I know that I need to be more solidified in who I am and what I want for my life before entering a serious relationship. I want to be true to myself within all of my relationships. So until I feel more confident in knowing who I am, I will continue to discover myself while remaining on my own.