Loss

Over the last couple of weeks, I have been dealing with a significant amount of loss. I found my dog who I loved very dearly after he had died in his sleep. This was a huge shock for me and I was absolutely distraught. My heart had never hurt so much and I could not stop crying. The next week was filled with sleepless nights and teary eyes, but I decided to try not to think about it when I went away for the weekend. On my way home, I found out that my grandmother had taken a turn for the worse. She died that night. I did not think that my heart could break anymore, but it did. I did not think that I could cry anymore, but I did. I shared so much love with both of them. It’s honestly still hard for me to process that both of them are gone let alone put into words the amount of pain I am feeling about it.

One positive aspect of this difficult time has been that I am reminded of how incredible my support system is. One of the biggest techniques that I preach for supporters is to simply ask what you can do and put out an open offer of help. I have had people contact me offering their support since my grief began. I have not taken up everyone on their offers to talk, but it is nice to know that if or when I need that, those people are there. My one friend called me when she found out about my grandmother. She gave her condolences and told me to let her know if I needed anything. As soon as I hung up I ended up calling her back and saying “I would really like to just go for lunch.” So we went to our favourite breakfast joint and had a great time together. We talked about my grandmother, but we also just chatted about life in general. In that moment, all I really needed was to spend some time with someone I love and eat bacon. I also had my boxing coach send me a message saying “let me know if you need to hit something today” to which I responded “yes please!”

That is what I always find interesting. During difficult times, most of us don’t need grand gestures or to have our friends and family say the right thing. Sometimes it is enough to simply know that there are people who love and support you. Sometimes I want to go out and spend time with friends, sometimes I want to just talk to one or two of my closest friends, and sometimes I want to be left alone. The beauty of having people ask me what I need or let me know that whatever I choose is okay, is that I get exactly what I need. It is not always easy to ask people for what I need, but I am getting better at it. One of my grandmother’s most memorable habits (which was even touched on in her eulogy) was that she would ask people to do things for her all the time with no guilt. Apparently she even got her doctor to end up fixing her dishwasher. So, I’m going to continue to take a page from Grandma and ask people for exactly what I need.

Responding to the Negative

I have recently started to receive negative feedback on Seeing Through The Label. Logically, I understand that negative feedback is a part of everything you do. I honestly believe that if you never receive negative feedback, then you're not pushing the boundaries of the status quo enough. You can never bring about change by doing what everyone agrees with. But again, that is me thinking logically. That is not to say that it does not affect me emotionally. The first email I opened that included feedback of this kind had me go through many different emotions. At first I was in complete shock, and then I became quite angry and vilified the person who wrote it. I was able to move from the anger, but I was still upset that someone had said something unkind about what I was trying to do. Eventually I was given another message of support. I received another donation. I got another pat on the back. Suddenly, I didn't need to focus on the negative feedback any more.

I don't like to consider myself as someone who needs constant validation. However, sometimes I need something positive to break that negative train of thought. At this moment, I needed that positive feedback to reroute that train of thought. It helped me to no longer focus on the negative long enough that I was able to put it all into perspective again.

I have recently developed more of an interest in neuroscience which shows that the more we focus on the negative, the stronger the neuropathway becomes that leads us to the negative. The more we focus on the positive, the stronger the neuropathway becomes that leads us to the positive. This means that if we spend more time complaining and focusing on issues, we actually train our brain to constantly go back to the negative. I was stuck in the negative feedback. I would have continued to build stronger neuropathways to all of the issues, if it wasn’t for the positive feedback. Instead I could then focus on all of the positives about what I am doing and continue to strengthen the neuropathway that leads me back to positivity. So thank you for helping me strengthen my neuropathway back to my happy thoughts.

Being Kind to Others Without Being Unkind to Yourself

I recently had a conversation with someone that was quite troubling. As always, I did some self-reflection on it and started to question how I reacted to it.

Because of the troubling nature of the messages I received, I chose to not react immediately. I knew that if I did so, it would have led to a "go f*** yourself" and here is why you should. The more I sat on it, the more I started to think about what this person's intentions were in sending these messages. I realized that this "friend" was actually hoping for an argument. I read them over and over again. The more I did so, the more I read the aggressive energy that was being directed at me. I could tell that there was a hope that I would react aggressively in turn.

Instead, I chose to be more kind with my responses than my original emotional reaction would have hoped for. I instead chose to be more accepting of the comments that were clearly meant to hurt me, because I was trying to deescalate the conflict. I was kind to this person even though this person was not kind to me. This is something that I thought would provide me with peace of mind. Why then am I still feeling distraught from this conversation?

In my effort to be kind to this person, I was unkind to myself. I allowed myself to be spoken to in such an insulting manner, that it continues to affect. I am glad that I did not feed into the conflict, but I should not have remained in such an offensive conversation. Looking back, I should have simply removed myself from the conversation all together. I allowed this person to put their negative energy on me in order for them to try and not carry so much of it. I let this conversation affect me for far longer than it should have as there ultimately should have never been a two-sided conversation.

Memories

As I stand here looking out at all of the beauty before me, I cannot help but think of the last time I was here. My mind goes back to when I was here almost four years ago with a man I was very much in love with. It is a strange mixture of joy and sadness that passes through me. I remember laughing with you. I remember how your smile warmed my heart. I remember the silly things you used to say to me. I remember the way it felt when you touched my hand. I can still to this day feel the spark going through me until I end up with a huge smile on my face. I was truly in love.

May, 2011

And now here I stand without you. I stand alone in the same spot where we both stood together while barely being able to stand two steps apart. That love still rings true in my heart, but now sorrow follows. The most devastating part is that you would have done anything for me, but in my youth, I threw it away. The idea of "the right person at the wrong time" does not bring me any comfort. If anything, I think it would have been easier if you were the wrong person. Had I met you now, I know things would have been different. I know that I would never have gone back to Canada. I know that I would have done anything to be with you. But now, almost three years since telling you how much I wanted to be with you, we speak for the first time in years. I want to tell you that I miss you and that I love you but I know that it is too late now. So I just wish you well instead, and hope to one day meet again.

March, 2015

Veering Off Course

With everything that I have been working on lately, I started to forget about what is most important; my wellness. I recently experienced a manic episode. during Instead of recognizing this at the start, as I usually would, I let the mania take over. I allowed myself to feel the rush of emotions. I allowed myself to use the energy and keep pushing forward.
Now as I feel myself crashing, I find myself looking back and recognizing all of the signs. I find myself wishing that I would have recognized what was going on. I was not able to do so because I was not checking in with myself. I stopped doing my self-reflection throughout the day. 
I cannot go back and prevent myself from managing my symptoms so poorly. I have to try to not feel guilty about it, or my depression will only become worse. I can only work on managing my depression better. I will allow myself to feel my emotions, but I will not allow my emotions to control me. Moving forward, I will me making my wellness a priority. As busy as I may get, I need to remember that I can only accomplish what I want to accomplish if I am well.

Clarity

The best time of my life was when I went to Ireland on my own with a real lack of planning. The first place I stayed was an amazing little hostel that was more of a farm house. Right across the street from this place was a little sign pointing to a beach. As I walked down the path, I started to breathe a little easier. The further I went, the more I felt both full of energy and completely serene. I walked down that path so many times during that week. I also spent hours sitting by the water thinking about everything and nothing at the same time. Even though it was a couple of years ago now, I still feel the same whenever I think about that place.

Finding a moment of total clarity can be rare. However it is impossible to achieve if you are constantly trying to make it happen. The best moments are when you feel the overwhelming sense of peace without even searching for it. Sometimes we find clarity because of where we are, who we are with, or just a feeling that comes to us.

Resilience

A lot of people have a hard time seeing the positive side of mental illness, especially those who have never struggled. For many of us who have come out the other side, we know that there are positive aspects. I do not think that I am quite at the point that I am thankful for everything that I have gone through, but I am at peace with it. There are positives and negatives in everything, and I choose to focus on the positives.

One of the greatest qualities that come from dealing with mental health issues is resilience. It is the ability to bounce back whenever life knocks you down. It is the ability to come across impossible situations and somehow make it through. It is the ability to conquer all of life’s struggles.

One of the reasons we find resilience when having gone through life’s challenges is simply believing that we can make it through. Because we have faced near defeat, we know that we can end up on top. There are times that I feel completely hopeless. Within these thoughts of hopelessness, I remember that I have been here before and made it through.

Another reason we find resilience is that we know how we made it through the last time. When I get stuck in that hopeless place, I not only remember that I made it through the last time but I remember how. I remember that I need to surround myself with positive people. I know that I need to ask for patience and hugs to make it through.

Things happen. Life happens. Thinks will go wrong. Life will feel wrong. I refuse to promise myself that I will never struggle again. I know that I will. I know that I struggled within the last month. I know that tomorrow could be a new battle. But I also know that I can take it all in stride. 

The Choice to be Alone

I am not an expert on relationships. If anything, I think I may be somewhat of an expert on dysfunctional ones. Recently I realized that in March, I will have been single for an entire year. A couple of years ago, the thought of being alone would have terrified me. I would have immediately thought that there was something wrong with me that made me unwanted. This is no longer the case. I have come to learn that being single can be an extremely liberating choice.

The older I get, the more I realize how little I know about myself. I am constantly discovering new things about myself. Whether it is about my emotional well-being or what my likes and dislikes are, there is a lot more I have yet to discover. I have also been trying to be more honest with myself. We lie to ourselves more than anyone else. We try to fool ourselves into thinking we are someone different than we actually are.

What worries me the most about being in a relationship is giving someone else the ability to influence my growth. A lot of times we do not realize how much we are adapting to fit with what someone else wants. We all do it. When we meet someone who we find ourselves interested in, we try and showcase what we believe to be our more desirable characteristics. We can become lost in between who we are and who our partner wants us to be.

I know that there is much more that I need to learn about myself before adding in someone else's influence. I know that I need to be more solidified in who I am and what I want for my life before entering a serious relationship. I want to be true to myself within all of my relationships. So until I feel more confident in knowing who I am, I will continue to discover myself while remaining on my own.

The Uniqueness of Depression

With the recent attention being given to mental health, there has been a lot of good but there have also been a lot of negatives. I, for one, have been getting extremely frustrated by some of what is getting put out there. First off, there are a lot of people who have been putting out articles saying what depression feels like. There is a difference between saying what depression feels like for everyone and what it feels like for the person writing the article. I'm not trying to sound hypocritical as I have put my experiences with depression out there. However, everyone's experience with depression is different. It's great to try and help others understand what depression is like, but we have to avoid speaking as if we know what everyone's depression feels like.

I was also frustrated when watching daytime TV and seeing someone talk about "choosing to be happy" and how we "can't blame our genes" for not being happy. He said that happiness is a choice. It is not a choice for someone who is depressed. It goes far beyond telling yourself to be happy. It is a gross oversimplification when someone has a mood disorder. There are chemical aspects to these disorders that cannot simply be wished away. It surprises me that there are still "experts" who claim that it is someone's choice to be depressed.

Ultimately, the best way to understand someone who has depression is to ask them. The best way to know how to help someone with depression, is to ask them. Everyone is different and experiences mental health differently.

Using Your Emotions

Emotions are scary. We constantly feel the need to avoid them in order to seem “strong”. What we forget about is how powerful our emotions can be. Not only do they allow us to truly feel and live, they can be channelled into something more. Emotions do not have to have a negative result. Managing them properly provides us with a more positive result. Emotions can become a powerful driving force in our lives. We just need to be aware of if we are letting our emotions do the steering. If we can choose what direction to give them, we can use that drive in very positive ways.

My trainer has been telling me for months to go to my “deep dark place” when attempting larger lifts. For the longest time, I had a lot of difficulty with this. I was trying to avoid my anger as I was afraid of going back to being a very angry person. Recently I have been experiencing a lot of stress which has been causing me to be quite angry in my day to day life. This is when I decided to start channelling my anger. I was used to boxing to get rid of my anger, but I never used it to improve my workout. It took me a couple of tries to really start to use it to my advantage, but once I did I felt completely different. I was able to take my anger and turn it into something positive. Instead of pretending that I was feeling fine, I allowed myself to feel what I was feeling. Emotions can lead to negative consequences if we allow them to control us. If we are able to direct our emotions, we can then experience positive consequences. It is not about avoiding our emotions, it is about channelling them.

Resolutions

With New Year’s Day soon approaching, many of us have resolutions for the next year. Some of us may be trying to lose weight, quit smoking, or change other habits. A new year brings hope for most. However, once the hope fades we become much more likely to find ourselves let down. Every year we end up being a little too hard on ourselves.

I used to come up with a new resolution every year. One year it was to stop smoking. Another year it was to exercise more. There was even a year where my resolution was to stop putting so much time and energy into my love life. No matter what the resolution was, I always found myself falling back into old habits. As soon as I did, I was horrible to myself. I would start saying terrible things to myself that I would never say about anyone else. I would start hating myself for breaking a resolution. Instead of being mindful of a slip-up and moving on from there, I would become consumed by self-loathing. This would cause me to become more depressed and sometimes even drive me to forget about the resolution all together.

We come up with these ideas of who we want to be in the New Year. We think that we can suddenly flick a switch and change our behaviours. It is a wonderful idea to want to change ourselves for the better, but we have to be patient along the way. No one is able to change themselves in an instant and never revert back to their old ways.

So this year, whatever your resolution is, make sure to take it easy on yourself. You cannot be perfect every day. Maybe your resolution is to start going to the gym regularly. If you miss a workout, do not allow that voice to come on that calls you a failure. When you do that, you only end up tearing yourself down and making it more likely that you will not continue with your resolution. Instead, remind yourself that you are human and you are allowed to slip-up. Be kind to yourself.

Finding Purpose

I am lucky that my family has such a positive outlook on what to do with the rest of your life. Growing up, I was taught that it did not matter what you wanted to be, as long as you were the best you possibly could be. Over the years, I went through many different options of what job I wanted when I grew up. Some of these included a fashion designer, politician, retail manager, hair dresser, anthropologist, and more.

What I chose to focus on was whatever excited me. I only took courses that interested me. I only read books that drew me in. I kept allowing my future goals to be fluid enough that I could simply follow wherever my interests laid. We always have this desire to know where we are meant to end up. Often, we allow external forces to determine it for us. When looking for our purpose, we should always chase what excites us and see where it leads.

If something no longer excites you or makes you happy, move on. We should never settle for a life that has no purpose. Over the years our purpose may change, but it does not matter what your purpose is. All that matters is that you have one and that it invokes passion within you.

Purpose also helps my mental health because it keeps moving forward. And I need to be well in order to keep moving forward. If I do not have something that I am working towards, it is so much easier for me to ignore my wellness. I know that to do what I love I need to be mentally healthy. When I do not have a purpose, I allow myself to become lost and my mental wellbeing becomes a lower priority. During the times that my symptoms become more apparent, I use my purpose to not allow them to take control.

It does not matter what your purpose is as long as your purpose drives you to be the best possible you.

"A Real Woman"

I recently spoke at an event that had all female speakers. Because of the female presence, the host asked us all to share our idea of what is means to be “a real woman” at the end of our presentation. This idea was meant to challenge gender roles, but in my opinion lost its value by looking for one specific idea of what it means to be “a real woman.” My response at the end of my talk was simple and about as “ladylike” as one would expect from me. “Being a real woman means whatever the fuck you want it to mean.”

There has been so much attention on gender and its fluidity that I am concerned with how stuck we are on the concept of being “a real man” or “a real woman.” No answer is better than another. We all have an idea of our own gender. So often we see the photos on social media which talk about how “a real woman” will do something specific. There are then others showing how “a real man” does something specific as well. Sometimes these are meant to challenge gender roles, but in the end we are simply attaching a new role to that gender. These quotes can talk about how “a real woman” has strength and demands specific things from "her man.” Then there are ones that completely degrade women such as one that reads “A real woman never lets her man leave the house hungry or horny.” Why do we have to put rules on what “a real woman” does? Then we have quotes that talk about how “a real man” treats his woman with respect and/or shows "his woman" his emotional side. It is great that we are trying to enforce fair treatment of women and challenging men to be vulnerable, but why are we still putting specific characteristics on men? And why are we always talking about “his woman” as if women are still property.

Then we get into the issue of gender and sexuality. What if someone identifies as transgendered? The idea of "a real woman" or "a real man" causes even more difficulties for both binary and non-binary
trans-people. We also never see anything about same sex relationships. I have never seen anyone share a quote about how same sex partners should treat each other, but we seem to have plenty of ideas on how “a real woman” treats her man and “a real man” treats his woman.

Why in a society where we want gender equality do we continue to place gender roles on ourselves and others? Why are we even trying to show what “a real man” or “a real woman” means? Gender should be fluid. We should stop attaching characteristics to it, stop promoting gender roles, and stop placing expectations on others. 

Coming Out

            Coming out as a person with a mental illness was not easy. I speak about my mental health comfortably now, but it was not always that way. For a long time, I did not want to speak about it with anyone. I tried to hide it from everyone I knew out of fear. I was afraid that I would be judged or rejected.

            There were a few friends who knew that I went to see a counsellor, but even that was something I tried to keep quiet. It is hard enough trying to fit in when you are in high school. I was worried that if people found out that I had bipolar disorder, they would not want anything to do with me. It took a long time for me to start telling friends about my disorder. I was surprised by how accepting my friends were. I think many had an idea that there was something off with me, especially during the years when I was not managing well. As I started to talk about my illness, I found others around me were becoming much more comfortable sharing some of their struggles with mental health. I started to see just how much mental health affects us as soon as I opened about it.

            Talking to my mom about it was still very difficult for me. I had been debating for years whether or not I should tell her. I would constantly struggle about where and when I should do so. I also felt guilty when I would talk to others about my mental health, but would not share it with my mom. The first time I told her was over five years after I had talked to my doctor about it. We were driving together and started talking about an article on a rise in bipolar diagnoses in young people. I finally said to my mom “you know (our family doctor) told me I have bipolar, right?” She immediately went to brush it off but I said to her “I do.” It felt weird talking to my mom about it. It felt like I was telling her I had a bad life which made me feel guilty. I was glad that I did though, because it made me more able to speak openly about myself and my life.

            Telling people at my work was a very scary thing as well. Even though I work for the Canadian Mental Health Association, I still thought that it was something I needed to hide. I felt like even though my co-workers talk to people who have a mental illness on a daily basis, they would not be able to see beyond the illness. I was worried that there would be these preconceived notions of how I would act because of the bipolar disorder. I was worried that they would expect me to be a certain way. And some of what I have the hardest time with are the expectations and limitations put on me.

            In the end, I have had a great response from people. They are usually surprised, and sometimes even a little sceptical about it. However, I then get the opportunity to teach them more about mental health. People who are not aware of mental health then learn more about it and how it affects them and those around them. People who have a mental illness typically then have an open space to talk about their struggles. Most importantly, my mental illness is a part of who I am. If someone wants to sever their ties with me because of it, then they did not actually accept me.

Power in Tears

I cry. I cry frequently. I do not cry like they do in the movies. There is no single beautiful tear that rolls down my cheek. It is messy. I sob with my eyes red and snot everywhere. It can make me feel moved, hurt, relieved, or exhausted. One thing that I refuse to feel when I cry is shame.

We are taught to be ashamed when we cry. We are taught that this behaviour should be hidden away in our bedrooms. We are taught that crying shows weakness and makes everyone around us feel uncomfortable. We are taught that tears should be followed by an apology for showing emotion. How often do we expect people to say “I’m sorry” for choking up in public?  Almost every day I am lucky enough to have people share their inner most thoughts with me. I am lucky enough to have people tear away their façade and show me their tears. Yet they still feel the need to apologize.

Crying is good for the soul. When we become overwhelmed with emotion, good or bad, our bodies’ natural response is to let go with tears. Yet we are made to feel as though we can only let it out when we are alone. We hold it in until we reach the other side of the door and can shut ourselves off from the rest of the World. It is engrained in us that we have to fight off our tears until we can be alone, and if we are unable to do so, we must apologize for it.

Why do we become shocked when someone cries and does not apologize for their tears? Why do we feel uncomfortable when we are privy to someone else’s emotional state? Why do we feel uncomfortable when we allow others to be privy to our own emotional state?

I for one will not apologize for my tears. I will not be concerned with the discomfort it causes others to see these tears. I will not shy away from the fact that my tears show the world that I am an emotional being, because we are all emotional beings. Tears are powerful. There is power within the vulnerability they show. I do not believe that tears prove weakness. They prove an ability to be comfortable with my emotions. I hope that we can all learn to cry unapologetically and appreciate others who do as well.

Dieting- When You Have a History of Eating Disorders

When you have a history of eating disorders, there is a fine line between a diet and a relapse. This is something that I am currently battling. As someone who is involved in fitness and is even a part of the fitness industry, I understand the impact that diet can make. For the most part, my relationship with food has drastically changed since my eating disorders were at their height. I have been able to understand that food is fuel for my body, and not an evil substance that will cause my hips to widen and my stomach to bloat. However, I still have a tendency to take on an “all or nothing” type of an approach which means either binge eating or focusing too much on what I am consuming. I am not sure if this is due to my history with bulimia, or if this habit put me at a greater risk to develop bulimia. I am planning on going back to a more balanced approach to my diet with the hope of losing some body fat but not losing a health mindset.

When you have a history of eating disorders, there is a fine line between portion control and starvation. There is a lot of evidence that demonstrates more effective nutrition plans include portion control. However, I can become obsessive about measuring out every single thing that I eat. My mind flips back to that view of food being evil. I worry about overeating to the point that I become obsessed with each morsel of food I put into my body. It also can be dangerous for my diet, because I go back to the “all or nothing” mentality if I even eat an ounce more than I was supposed to. All of a sudden that extra handful of grapes becomes a trip to a fast food joint, which then becomes a struggle to fight of the urge to force myself to throw up. The most helpful professional that I ever found when it came to nutrition advised me that I should not be on any diet that is overly restrictive. I needed to focus on what foods I should be eating, rather than how much I should be eating. I believe that this is still true for me today.

When you have a history of eating disorders, there is a fine line between seeing room for improvement and not seeing your beauty. We all see room for improvement when we look at ourselves in the mirror. Even a professional athlete or body builder will see something that they want to change. There are days that I look at my body in the mirror and recognize changes that I would like to see in a healthy way, and I can look in the mirror and want to see changes in an unhealthy way. The difference is, whether or not I can still see everything that I love about myself. Just like how there will always be something to improve on; there will also always be something that we love about ourselves.

When you have a history of eating disorders, there is a fine line between a healthy diet and an unhealthy diet. I hope that I can find a balance with my nutrition again. I hope that I can manage to continue to focus on what kinds of food I am eating rather than how much I am eating. I hope that I can see myself in the mirror and find more positives about myself than negatives. I hope that I can work on my nutrition without putting my mental health at risk.

Why Seeing Through the Label is Important

There has been a recent surge in interest surrounding mental health. This has finally become a subject that is being discussed openly. The more we discuss the issues surrounding mental health, the less stigma that remains attached to it. We are hearing more and more stories of those who are affected by mental illness and addictions. Topics that were never discussed years ago are finally being talked about now.

Mental health affects us all. Some of us hear the words "mental health" and still relate this back to having some form of a disorder. What we forget to realize, is that mental health is a part of everyone's life. Just like physical health affects us all, mental health does the same. It is a large part of our overall health. Mental health and physical health will always be interconnected. 

Anyone can have poor mental health, just as anyone can have positive mental health. There are many different aspects of our lives that can affect our mental health, including mental health disorders. However, someone who does not have any type of history of a mental illness can have poor mental due to situational issues and unhealthy coping strategies. For example, someone who is in their 50's and never had to address their mental health, can suddenly experience a loss (whether it be a job, relationship, loved one) which impacts their mental health significantly. Especially if this individual does not have any healthy coping strategies in place, a situational stressor can be very detrimental for their mental health. If their idea of dealing with issues is drinking every night, they can develop poor mental health. However, they may be able to start using an activity, such as playing music, as a way to cope which would help maintain their mental health.

On the flip side, someone with a mental illness is perfectly capable of having positive mental health. Someone can have a serious diagnosis, but live a happy life because of how they take care of themselves. For myself, I know what affects my mental health. I know that I am capable of having positive mental health by focusing on self-reflection, fitness, and nutrition, as well as the other healthy activities that bring me joy (music, art, spending time with loved ones). I also know that I can easily have poor mental health when I start to deal with things by turning to unhealthy behaviours, or becoming stuck in those negative thoughts.

The point is that everyone needs to pay attention to their mental health. Just like our physical health, ignoring it will only make it worse. A part of Seeing Through the Label is encouraging people to focus on their mental health. The other part, is to encourage those with mental health issues to be open about them. The more we talk about it, the less stigma exists. When the stigma is gone, we will be able to make positive changes in the service provided to those in need.